world in my eyes = bittersweet symphony

hometown

yesterday started off pretty great, went something like this: went to my marshmallow’s work and had breakfast (AMAZING), took schnerkel to work, went home, power cleaned the bathrooms in 30 minutes, showered, found out my manager at my old/kinda current job wants to suddenly give me 40 hours a week again (WHAT???), totally made it early for schnerkel’s lunch break, met with marshmallow and did mall things, took allie home, watched 30 rock (alone because my sisters hate me), got picked up by the schnickelfritzes and picked up lobster and went to my hometown for a celebratory dinner in honor of marshmallow…..

everything was good, by the time we got to saugus, i was ecstatic, i hadnt been so close to home in years, despite living 35 minutes away. everything we passed had a memory, things kept rushing back at me on a level i hadnt experienced in a long time. and then as we sat and ate dinner, i looked out the window at the shopping center i had visited multiple times a week for the first 16 years of my life, and suddenly, everything hurt. my breathing felt constricted. i wanted to cry, i wanted to run outside and just scream. i was confused, and sad, all of my reminiscent musings had gathered to form a storm in my mind and i felt so much pain for all that was and never will be…i’ve thought about my life like this many times before, what ifs and maybes but not in at least 2 years had i been so close to home. part of me really wanted to just drive to my old street and look at my house but i didnt want to ask and i knew that would be weird and i would probably cry.

i’d felt like that a while back, when i knew i was going to go to valencia; i just really felt the urge to drive to my old house, just to see it again. i had been so excited on the way down there, taking my new friends, part of my new life, to my hometown, like they could see part of me and i would share something with them. in a weird way, it felt like i was taking them home to meet my family or something, i dont know, it was just a nice feeling, and then it wasnt. i felt bad because i knew they felt me freaking out, and oddly enough, i was able to pull out of it after a bit. they fix me, they have this way of making me smile and feel like everything’s gonna be ok because they know me so well. its odd but nice and even tho the feeling has stayed with me on and off today, i feel better and its more contemplation and silent reflection than pain.

i think some day soon, im gonna need to make that trip again, maybe alone or maybe with my sister and just spend some time and see things…the past is a part of you, time is fluid.